Tales From The Toilet – Narita, Japan

Sitting on the toilet in the Narita Airport in Japan was like nothing I could have ever imagined.  Washrooms fascinate me, they always have.  Toilets for me are one of those things where I never know what to expect.  They can put terror in my heart or a light in my eyes.  Like when you walk into a “bathroom” and you realize the toilet is nothing more than a hole in the ground.

Going in for a quick pee break at the Narita Airport ended up a science discovery.  It was not JUST a toilet, but one of those magnificent Japanese inventions that help you wipe your butt.   On the side of the toilet bowl there was a little control panel with pictures, words, and Japanese characters explaining each button.  Sitting there looking around I thought, “What if I give it a go?”

Five minutes later, still sitting on the can and a number of thoughts racing through my mind, my curiosity got the better of me.  I decided to try out the button labeled Bidet thinking that the water pressure looked lighter and less shocking than the button labeled Shower.  As I pushed the button and waited for the action to begin, my butt cheeks clenched.  It was like the seconds before a colonoscopy is about to begin, when you’re full of dread and anxiety.  It felt like I was on an amusement park ride, full of anticipation and excitement, waiting for the climatic finale.

As I heard the sound of water tinkling I began wondering if this was a big mistake.  What would it feel like?  Would it hurt?  Would the water be cold?  Where would the water shoot!? My virgin Japanese toilet butt was shaking in fear of the unknown.  When I finally got sprayed, it felt surprisingly wonderful!  What a terrific invention!  I felt a warm rush of water hit the bulls eye like a honing device.  It was terribly accurate, as if it knew my body intimately.

Next was the shower button.  Instead of focusing on cleaning a certain location, this button I believe was meant to clean a larger surface area.  Feeling much like the picture showed, my bottom was “showered” with warm water.  It felt like a cool refreshing mist on a hot day.  The only trouble I found was drying off afterwards, as the water did indeed do a comprehensive job at cleaning my rear.

The button labeled “Flushing Sound” was exactly that.  A tinny sound that was faker than the Louis Vuitton bag I bought at the Suan Lum Night Bazaar last year.  However, it was loud enough to hide any indiscretions one may be making in the bathroom.  I couldn’t decide what would be more embarrassing though, the actual farting or the ongoing fake flush covering up the obvious.  Either way, when you come out of stall everyone around knows that you were certainly up to something in there and most likely will choose another toilet than the one you had just been in.  Then it hit me.  Those around probably didn’t know that I was conducting a science experiment…

More tales from the toilet to come!

– Katherine